Waiting....

Sometimes there is a song that explains it all.  I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I do.  It is comforting to know that others have experienced something similar.  I'm just here in the waiting.  I know God is good.  I know better days are coming, but what do I do with this waiting?  I ask the Holy Spirit to come and fill.  It's beautiful!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3tBCw3bMrM

I have found myself in this strange place of knowing that God is faithful and true.  Yet I doubt.  I second guess.  I know and yet I don't.  The Bible talks about a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.  I've been double minded.  Yet His grace has proved once again to be sufficient.  He is patient.  He helps me move forward every day become more secure in who He is.  It's a beautiful romance.  A beautiful road we are on together.  He holds my hand and guides my steps.  He catches every tear from my eyes.  He pulls me forward.  He picks me up when I can't walk.  He is so patient.  He lets me make mistakes.  He thinks I am amazing.  He thought I was amazing.  He thinks I will be amazing tomorrow.  He sees the treasure I am and is helping me discover it.  He's been so patient and gracious. 

During my searching for this song.  I also found this one.  God is so faithful and beautiful.  Once again He is nudging me to keep moving forward.  He watches me kick and scream and say ENOUGH!  I'm done.  He says I'm not done.  It's going to be worth it.  Just what I need. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXc8_9Tf4IM&feature=related

Jesus, if you don't know Him, probably isn't who you think He is.  He is so much better and so much more.  Humans, particularly religious ones give Him such a bad rap.  Seek Him to know Him.  He is absolutely worth it.

A touch...

I recently took a day and went "down home." My Dad's family is from Fountain Green and they call it down home. I spent the day with my Mom, Zoe and my great Aunt Sherrie. I needed a change of scenery. It was nice to get away for a few hours. Since my Dad passed away two years ago I have often felt orphaned and abandoned. I have family and friends that even if not blood related treat me like true family. However I have had this ache inside. It's been a very lonely intense pain deep inside.

We drove around with my aunt Sherrie and reminised about my family. We talked a lot about my Grandpa, Sherrie's brother and my Dad who was like a brother to Sherrie because of their age. We talked about my Great Grandma. It was good to remember. As we were reminiscing we talked about how much my Grandpa and my Dad cherished me. I will never forget how my Grandpa looked at me. Every time I walked into the room he would gasp and smack his knee and say, "Now that's my Miss America." it was embarrassing. I loved it. I believe he really believed I was that wonderful. I was a princess and they treated me like one. My
grandpa and dad would take me to coffee every Saturday. They would brag on me to their friends. I even got to go on a few hunting trips (no girls allowed). They took me all around town showing me off.

God did some deep things in me last week. He gave me a much needed Father's touch. He reminded me how beautiful and loved I am. We went to Moroni, Manti and Ephraim and driving through there one of the towns is called "little Denmark." I honestly felt like I fit in. It is strange because I do not fit in, but I felt welcome. The ache was gone. My aunt Sherrie reitterated how I could come down anytime. It was nice to feel simply accepted and loved. At one point we visited with a neighbor and he mentioned how much he liked my Dad. I almost cried. He was speaking into my DNA. It was such a touch from God.
It is nice to be accepted and loved just for being someone's daughter. I take with me now that I am a daughter of The Most High. I belong! I am not an orphan. I am not abandoned. I have a rich inheritance in Jesus. I know I don't fully get this, but I will - I am getting there.

Thanks Father for the touch

Dad

Sometimes we take for granted all that we have until it is gone. I have found through loss in the last two years that I haven't fully appreciated what I had. I have focused on the things that were wrong and not perfect instead of focusing on what was right and good. Loss has put so many things into perspective. The things that I used to focus and waste energy on have faded. Had I simply focused on what really matters I would have been a much happier person. I can only choose to change my focus and perspectives and move forward. The past is a good reminder of how to not live now. I pray I don't go back.

One thing I have learned is how much I value my Dad. To be honest I blamed so many of my issues on my Dad's addiction problems. Growing up he was distant. He was much more interested in himself and his alcohol than he was in me. I often felt neglected and with good reason. The absence of my Dad left me pretty angry. I hated his addiction to alcohol so badly. In the years when I was discovering what men were - he was absent. Sure he was there physically most of the time - he wasn't there emotionally. He was drunk. I felt unprotected and confused. I needed my Dad to protect me. I needed him to be an example of what a real man was supposed to be like. He was far from that. I do remember him threatening my boyfriend in high school, but that was also in a drunken slur. In looking back at this time in my life even though I doubted so many things about my Dad, but I knew he loved me. Often our disagreements were about him wanting me to succeed and me rebelling and rejecting him. It was a vicious cycle. I realize now he did care, but because of the addiction I dismissed him entirely.

In the last 10 years of my Dad's life, he started to make some changes. I was still angry. I still blamed him. I didn't notice enough who he was. I put up major walls to protect myself. I started to recognize the changes in my Dad - as did he. He paid attention to me more once I left the house. He finally watched me bowl a college tournament. I remember him being amazed at me picking up a 5-7 split. I thought, "Dad I've done that hundreds of times." He was blown away by how good I was. He had no clue even though I told him all my scores. He really missed out on his girl. I know he regretted it. I could see it in the way he looked at my girls. How he didn't want to miss a second of their lives.

One of my greatest memories of my Dad is that he would spontaneously come visit me and my girls. He would call me up at the most inconvenient time in the middle of the week (usually nap time) and say "I'm 10 min away. I haven't seen my 'boo boos' can I stop by?" I had usually not showered and the girls were napping, but I loved that he loved to see us. I saw how much he loved me and my girls in his eyes every time he saw us. I miss that. No other man lights up like that over my girls and me. He would call almost every Sunday asking if we could come over for dinner. He would throw out all the guilt trips to get us to come over. I acted annoyed, but I can't tell you how bad I wish he was there to ask us over now. It's nice to be wanted. I feel like our relationship was finally healing and then he was gone.

I have been through some pretty difficult times in the past two years. I haven't necessarily wanted my Dad around to pull out his shot gun (you all know he would have), but I have just wanted him to hold me and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. I have wanted him to call and guilt trip me into bringing the girls over. (I am grateful that my Mom invites us over and delights over my girls after all she was the one cooking the dinner before anyways.)

When I was around 10-12 years old my Dad worked out of town a lot. He would be gone for weeks at a time and would come home for a weekend. I remember sitting in the window waiting for him. I would postpone all sleep overs because my Dad was going to be home. I would attach myself to his hip - literally. I would lay with him while he watched TV. I still remember how he smelled. I loved every moment. I so so wish I could cuddle up with him now. I felt safe, loved and that even if the entire world fell apart I had my Dad and life was good. I now ask God to hold me and comfort me - and He does. It is nice, however, to have another human to actually have contact with though.

I feel like my time with my Dad could have been so much better had I forgiven quicker and focused on the fact that my Dad - as imperfect as he was - loved me. He had his own wounds. He had his own battles that he simply didn't know how to face. He chose alcohol for many years. Unfortunately his choices hurt us, but that didn't mean he didn't love us. He realized that and I know that he was sorry for what he had done. I am so grateful for the good times I had with my Dad. He was a man who loved people. I choose to focus on the good stuff in him. We are all a bunch of hurting people and unfortunately hurting people tend to hurt others. I am choosing to forgive more and more quickly. I am choosing to love more. I am choosing to risk with those that matter most. :)

In losing relationships, I value them so much more. There used to be things that drove me nuts about other people and I was content with just not having them around anymore. However, losing people that I loved has helped me realize that people are much more important than opinions and philosophies. Now don't get me wrong there are some things that require distance and boundaries, however, they aren't very common. I seriously love people. I put up boundaries trying to protect myself and in reality most of those "boundaries" left me just more alone. Relationship is risky and I am likely to get hurt. (Probably a better way to put it is that everyone is going to hurt me and I am going to hurt them at some point.) But if I am not in a place where I can get hurt - then I am usually not in a place where I can be loved either. I want to run the risk of being loved. RISK it people! Stop with the petty hurts and disagreements. Forgive! You never know what or who might be gone tomorrow. LOVE until it hurts! It hurts, but it is beautiful!

My Daughter's Eyes

I listened to this Martina McBride song tonight while putting my daughter's to bed. It was on a friend's facebook page. I started crying as it hit home with me. Zoe came over to me and said, "Mommy cry?" She looked me right in the eyes and said, "no mommy cry." I told her I loved her and she turned her head to the side, crinkled her eyebrows, reached out and touched my tears. She then put her hand to her mouth, kissed her hand and put it on my face. I lost it. In case she hasn't shown me enough love she then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and told me "I la u." All I could say was "I love you my girls so much."

The song says it all, but I am crying even now recalling this precious moment in my life. I adore my girls and they mean more to me then they will ever know. Grace tells me often that I am the "best mommy ever." Zoe says, "I la u too." and it just blesses me. No matter what life throws at us - Love is stronger. These girls are so valuable and precious! They are my inheritance, blessing and absolute treasure.

God help me lead them and help them lead me.

Martina McBride - In My Daughter's Eyes tissues recommended

2010 Blog

So I started writing a blog on my thoughts, feelings, whatevers from the past year. I can't do it. I don't understand.

I do want to say that I am so grateful for everything in my life. I am so thankful and grateful for Jesus! I am thankful for my friends and family who have stood by my side and held my arms high. I hope that 2011 is better! I love each and every one of you.

He is Risen!

I am not sure how to start this...I am giving some insight into how I think and how I work and how cool God is to me!  :)  My Dad passed away one month ago today.  I think it is pretty cool of God that Easter is exactly one month after his death.  God brings life out of death!  How awesome is that?  I really felt like it was God's way of loving on me during this hard time.  He knows I love numbers and connections and cool little things like that.  He loves me!  :)  

I read an Elijah List posting by Cindy Trimm, "Hope for the hopeless" 

http://www.elijahlist.com/words/display_word/7533

last week and it really impacted me.  It gave me hope.  I have felt like I have been a little bombarded lately.  It was hard to see the good or the hope in anything.  I felt like I was in the middle of a fight, getting whooped up on, and not being able to see the victory because I was so in the battle.  I feel like finally I got a glimpse.  Being Easter weekend and all I was thinking about the story of Jesus' death and resurrection.  Could you imagine being one of his disciples the day he died?  He told them all these promises, performed miracles, and then he gets hauled off and killed.  He just died.  Huh?  What?  He died?!  God allowed him to die?  Could you imagine how confusing that must of been for them.  Granted He told them He was going to die and rise again in three days, but they didn't get it.  He knew that they didn't get it!  We all know the story so we know they just needed to wait, but when you are in it...it's a completely different experience.  

So I wonder what those three days were like.  Three days of thinking, wait Jesus is dead!?  What about all the promises?  miracles?  the hope He talked about? I can imagine that the people who cheered on the crucifixion were mocking them.  I am sure they were saying something like, "what happened to your Jesus?"  "Why didn't God save Him?"  Could you imagine how strange those three days must have been?

Then three days later........there He was!  Standing before them!  HOLY!  I think I might have just about jumped out of my skin!  What a relief!  He wasn't lying....He was real, genuine, and He had defeated every work of the enemy!  He defeated sin!  Neeeeener!  :)  

I feel like the past month I have been in the 3 days stage of wondering what in the world was going on?  I know Jesus.  I know He is faithful and true.  I know He loves me and has good plans for me.  Sometimes though, I just don't get it.  Sometimes it is hard to see through the storm.  I have felt hopeless on many occasions over the past month.  I couldn't see....

 In reading the word by Cindy Trimm and thinking about the three days Jesus was in the tomb God spoke to me and gave me hope again.  :)  It is no coincidence that Easter falls on 4/12, 30 days after my Dad passed away.  3 being the days Jesus was in the tomb.  10 being a number of completeness!  This is one of those weird number things that I love!  God knows my language and He just blessed me today.  He is reminding me that He always wins!  He is the victor!  HE IS RISEN!  He is the God who dwells in me!  HALLELUJAH!  He was speaking to me and reminding me that no matter what this world brings, HE WINS!  He is a good God who loves me and gives me hope!  No wonder is says in Romans, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18

Whew....okay I am getting blasted by God and I LOVE HIM!  

And then....

So here is our weekly adventure update. :) Last week, I went to coffee with my friend Jacque, while Anthony watched the girls. Zoe and Grace were in the family room and Anthony decided to be a good husband and make the bed. He was gone about 2 minutes (it's a quick thing to do) and looked to see that Zoe had scooted to the top of our stairs. We have a baby gate, but it was moved out of the way. He ran down the hall to watch Zoe tumble down the 10+/- stairs. He tried to stop himself and not fall on her and he was unsuccessful at stopping (Thank God he avoided falling on her). He tried to catch himself and grabbed the railing. He dislocated his shoulder, sprained his ankle and hurt his other arm as he feel down the stairs too. He had quite a few bruises in random places. It took him 5 minutes to get his shoulder back in. Thankfully Jeremiah was home and was able to help Zoe while Anthony put his shoulder in. Zoe, who did cartwheels, down the stairs escaped injury. She has one scratch on her head and a small bruise on her head. An hour later you wouldn't have known anything happened to her. THANK GOD! Anthony however is still recovering. He had a MRI on Tuesday and has another Dr appt next week to evaluate whether or not he needs surgery (again). He had shoulder surgery about 7 years ago for the same thing. Poor guy. He felt so bad. He's such a good Dad though! Accidents happen. So there is the update on our week.

It has been one hell of a month! I can't believe it has been a month since my Dad passed away. Grace told me today she really wants to see him on Easter. It's hard to explain. I'm not sure that I understand yet either. I am not sure it has fully hit me. I've had so many distractions... I am in such a weird place. I have found myself with so many things to do and I would much rather make Easter Eggs, do Grace's hair, play Narnia, go shopping, and just hang out with those who care about me...not something I did enough before. I love my girls....they are such a blessing. I can be missing my Dad so much and look at Grace or Zoe and have them flash me a smile and I know life is a blessing and it is wonderful...even when it is hard! Children are a blessing.....why can't we all get that?! :)

I am so grateful for my friends who allow me to vent and process through all that I am going through. I certainly have God's peace through these difficult times, but it isn't easy. I am just thankful to know that Jesus loves me. Without that....I just couldn't imagine. I don't want to try. I also want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my moodiness. I tend to be on a bit of a roller coaster and I am just so thankful that you all are okay with me being me. It's awesome. I love you! I have the greatest friends on the planet! You should get to know them because they are some of the most genuine, loving, accepting, wonderful people who want the best and truly love those in their lives. Amazing! Love you!