You've Stolen My Heart

The past year has been one of the most difficult years in my life. I will go into more detail in a future blog. For now I just want to share the most recent "revelation."

A little less than a year ago I found out I was pregnant again after losing our baby at 20 weeks. I was ecstatic to be pregnant again. It only took a few days after finding out I was pregnant to realize that I had so much more to lose now that I was prego again. I battled fear every day of my pregnancy. I was in constant warfare. I used to believe that deliverance was a one time thing, but I was wrong. I just came to a whole new level in my walk with God. A whole new level that I had to really push through (and still am) to gain victory. I am always changing always growing and always battling to be more who God created me to be.

So after battling fear everyday I thought that it would all be over once I delivered Zoe. I thought that the moment she came into this world that I would get a break. It could not have been more opposite. She was delivered by emergency c-section. She had to be admitted to the NICU a few hours after her birth. I was able to nurse her and hold her for about 2 hours, which is such a blessing! So for a week we battled every bad thing that came out of anyone's mouth. Once again battling the fear of losing her. I was so angry, tired, hurt and fearful. It was so hard. I know that God is good and I just didn't understand. Thankfully, I know I don't have to understand all He lets happen and all He doesn't let happen to know He is a good God.

Zoe was 5 lbs 9 oz when she was born so she was really small. Many people stayed away from us at the hospital because she was in the NICU. After leaving the hospital a lot of people reacted differently because she was so small. It has been hard. The battle in my mind continued about her size. I was still fighting the "wow she's so small" stuff until this past week or so. Her size really doesn't mean much at this point this is just my battle I have been fighting. (I have to put in a side note here because we have had an INCREDIBLE support system from friends and family. I do not in any way want to diminish all that everyone has done for us! We are so grateful and can't express how thankful we are for everyone of you!!! I couldn't imagine going through the past year without you! I only want to express what I was going through personally)


She is now looking like a baby, not so much a newborn anymore. She's still small for her age, but that doesn't mean much (it has taken a while to convince myself of this even though I know it is true). The past few days she has been smiling more. She looks right at me and opens her mouth so wide that her eyes sparkle. Then she usually gives me a big "AAGOOO" and smiles again. My heart melts. She has won my heart. I am not sure what has happened in the past week or so (to me), but just having her smile and interact with me has brought me such freedom and peace. I only wish I could explain it. It is the same joy that Grace brings me when she giggles. For those who have heard her giggle, you understand. It is precious.

Children are a blessing from God. They are an inheritance. I am so grateful and absolutely love being a Mom. It is worth all the sleepless nights, sore breasts, the tummy scar, and extra weight. It is worth not being able to go on a spur of the moment vacation, dinner, or even shower. It is all worth it for that one little smile that lights up the world. My heart is stolen, forever gone! :)

There is a song by Leeland that says "You've stolen my heart, yes You have, You've stolen my heart, yes You have. You wiped away the stains, broke away the chains, yes You have." God has stolen my heart through Jesus wiping away my sin and breaking away the chains that bound me and He has also stolen my heart through my family. He has used them (particularly my girls in this case) to wipe away stains (old hurts, challenges, etc), and to break away chains (fear, doubt, unbelief) to bring me into greater love relationships. God wants us to have an intimate relationship with Him, but He also wants us to have intimate relationships with each other (not just blood family either!) I am so blessed! My mind is blown as is my heart. I must be done!